I recently woke up one morning to my phone buzzing with a new Facebook friend request. I looked at the request, rubbed my eyes & looked again, this time focusing a little harder. It was from the father of two very close friends of mine. A man who I have known since I was a child, and whom I had already been Facebook friends with for several years now.
I clicked Accept, locked my phone, and went about my morning routine without giving it much more thought. Not long after accepting the request I received a message from my longtime friend (and now new Facebook friend). I’ve changed his name and identity for this story, but we’ll just call him Lawrence.
Here is what Lawrence said in his message:
Two messages is all it took for me to know that “Lawrence” wasn’t really Lawrence. I searched for him on Facebook and found his real profile, a profile that I was still friends with. Someone had created a fake account with what public information they could see on his real profile, and had started adding all his friends and messaging them in an attempt to scam them.
I quickly responded to Lawrence, not letting on that I knew he was a sham…
I gave Lawrence the Google Voice phone number that I use for messaging scammers and told him to text me. I planned on blocking his fake Facebook account as soon as as I had his number — this way we could text without him being able to go back and see my profile or any of my information. I assumed he was scamming others alongside me and wouldn’t remember what I looked like from the short time we were friends, which meant I could pretend to be anyone I wanted as he tried to scam me. After much thought I decided to use actor Ron Pearlman as my mask for messaging Lawrence.
I contacted both my friends and let them know that someone was posing as their father and the three of us reported the fake account, which would soon be removed from Facebook. I then updated my Google Voice profile picture to that of Ron Pearlman and sat back waiting for Lawrence to text me…
Free money? Yes please! I text the number Lawrence gave me and introduced myself to the agent…
I then replied to Lawrence…
A few minutes later I received a message from the agent in charge.
I picked Ron Pearlman to use as my mask because of the character he plays in the TV series Sons of Anarchy. His character (Clay Morrow) is a rough, short-tempered scumbag and that’s exactly who I wanted to be in this scam. I wanted to throw as many passive-aggressive insults at this scammer as possible, questioning their intelligence at every opportunity, and see just how much abuse I could dish out before they got fed up and called it quits.
A few minutes later Agent Mark David replied with more details of the scam Benefits Checkup Program and the game was on.
Agent Mark clearly wasn’t a fan of animals. Before I could reply to him Lawrence text me again…
I text Mark asking about the other benefit options now that I knew animal benefits were off the table…
Lawrence then responded…
I still hadn’t heard back from Agent Mark so text him again…
I’ve dealt with lots of scammers over the years, but this was my first time interacting with one pretending to be someone I personally knew. Fake Lawrence knew that I knew the real Lawrence and would have to go along with anything I said about our friendship, so I decided to have a little fun with it…
Before Lawrence could give me an update on his pogo stick accident Agent Mark text me back with a form for me to complete so I could claim my free money.
I wasn’t letting Lawrence off the hook that easy, so text him again before I began working on the official government form that Agent Mark sent me.
Neither Lawrence’s pogo stick accident, his wife Agatha, nor his son Paul were real, so I was looking forward to us “talk better about that” later on.
In the meantime I sent Agent Mark my completed form and then some…
As luck would have it, my form was approved and Agent Mark text me the next steps of the scam Benefits Checkup Program…
A few minutes later Agent Mark sent the correct list, which looked a lot like the incorrect list.
I carefully reviewed my options and text Agent Mark…
I was a little surprised that Agent Mark was OK with me going to talk to Lawrence in person. Clearly, the jig would be up the second I asked the real Lawrence about his government payout and he didn’t know what I was talking about. But Mark didn’t seem to catch on to that at first, so I mentioned it a few more times until it sank in.
I then text Lawrence for an update on his fictional son Paul…
Again, Lawrence knew that I knew the real Lawrence and had to go along with anything I said, so I decided to kick the drama up a notch…
Agent Mark cut in with a text but I wasn’t done with my conversation with Lawrence.
Lawrence was sweating in his lies so I kicked it up another notch again…
Just then Agent Mark cut in…
You can almost taste the insincerity in Marks apology.
I ignored Agent Mark for a few hours so he text me again…
Not long after Agent Mark asked me to purchase two $2,500 iTunes cards I received a strange message from Lawrence…
I was worried about Lawrence so text Agent Mark to see if he knew what was going on with him…
Agent Mark must have sensed that I wasn’t going to drop the Lawrence issue and buy the gift cards because just then Lawrence text me…
I then replied to Agent Mark…
I was very annoyed by Agent Marks stupidity so text Lawrence to vent my frustrations…
I then replied to Agent Mark…
My anger toward Agent Mark was building so I vented to Lawrence once again…
Agent Mark quickly responded…
I didn’t get back to Agent Mark for the rest of the day and text him that evening…
Things were getting rocky with Agent Mark so I text Lawrence yet again to complain about the incompetent agent…
Mark got really defensive and didn’t answer my simple question about life in Idaho so I pressed the matter again…
Mark didn’t bite on my inquiries about Idaho so I switched topics back to the scam Benefits Checkup Program.
Agent Mark took 20 minutes to inspect the cards before angrily texting me back…
I took a quick break from telling Agent Mark how stupid he was to text Lawrence and tell him how stupid Agent Mark was…
Before I could reply to Lawrence Agent Mark text me back…
I went back to The Krusty Krab where I purchased the gift cards and sent Agent Mark this picture. The employee working the counter looked a lot like Will Forte’s character (Tandy Miller) in The Last Man on Earth — the TV series that I just so happened to be watching at the time of this scam.
I didn’t reply to Agent Mark right away, so a few hours later he text me again…
The next morning I woke up to a lovely text from Lawrence.
Within 20 seconds of replying to Lawrence Agent Mark text me (now that he knew I was awake).
A short time later I text Agent Mark…
Just then Lawrence casually text me, asking if I’d received my money yet…
Then another text from Agent Mark…
A few minutes later Lawrence text me back after he spoke with Agent Mark…
The screenshot Lawrence sent me of his text message to Agent Mark killed me. “Increase the money now or you will be jailed I promise you that…”
Lawrence and I had been texting for a while so the I felt the timing was right to pry into his relationship woes once again…
Before Lawrence could confirm that the Arson Boyz would be visiting Judy, Agent Mike text back…
“His helping you out so go and thank him fool…”
Life got busy (as it does) and I didn’t reply to Agent Mark again that day, but he was sure to text me first thing the next morning…
An hour later I text Agent Mark…
I sent Agent Mark this picture I took of proof of my arrival at Mario’s Bitcoin Emporium — the fictitious store I created for sending fictitious Bitcoin payments.
After sending Agent Mark the Bitcoin payment info I sent a text to Lawrence, letting him know that it was almost time for the Arson Boyz to reunite…
Then I text Agent Mark back…
“I’ve helped a lot of people and they’ve been praising me…”
I laughed out loud when I received the bingo text. Well done, Agent Mark.
Things were spiraling out of control quickly for Agent Mark so Lawrence jumped in to try and diffuse the situation…
Agent Mark cut in trying to sweet talk the deal back up to $500…
“It’s too early for all this you’re making me type rubbish…”
Agent Mark was two text messages away from bankruptcy so sent Lawrence in for one last attempt to talk some sense into me…
Lawrence had a long talk with Agent Mark, who begrudgingly accepted my terms of $100 for $1 million…
Later that day I text the dejected Agent Mark, letting him know I was on my way back to Mario’s Bitcoin Emporium…
Would Agent Mark realize that this card was customized with his name on it? My gut feeling said no…
This deal had spiraled from $5,000 for $300,000 to $50 for $5,000,000. Not bad for a few days of negotiation!
Agent Mark sent pictures of the back and front of the cards he wanted me to buy (or the front and back, as he sees them). I studied them closely and set off for Walmart to find this exact card…
Sending unnecessary forms for scammers to complete is my favorite part of these scams, and I knew that Agent Mark, who was grasping at straws, would be desperate enough to complete it.
Agent Mark carefully studied the form and replied 30 minutes later…
Agent Mark caved and said he’d fill out the form and I let out a cheer that could be heard around the neighborhood.
About 20 minutes later, after carefully studying the questions, Agent Mark sent me his answers…
I wrote Mark answers on the form and sent him a picture of the $50 gift card that I was going to buy…
Mark had been the most oblivious scammer I’d dealt with up until this point, so I kicked the obvious hints of his scam up a notch with these counter ads, yet he was too concerned with collecting his $50 to notice them.
Would he notice that I accidentally purchased Un-American Express cards instead of American Express? Again, my gut told me no…
I was waiting for an angry all-caps text from Agent Mark telling me that I messed up again and must hurry to complete another payment, but then something completely unexpected happened…
I was so confused by Marks response. This was the first time a scammer had said that my fake payment worked. Why would he say that? What was his plan here? I wondered if he was giving up on me and said the payment was complete in hopes that I’d stay up late waiting for the delivery team to arrive and that was his way at getting back at me for all my mistakes?
I eagerly text the number Agent Mark sent me and was greeted by the 3rd party of this scam Benefits Checkup Program…
There was no word from Delivery Man Ryan for a few hours so I text him again, still trying to figure out what their plan was here…
I was convinced that they were just trying to lead me on by saying the payment was on its way, but then I text Delivery Man Ryan one more time and suddenly it all made sense…
“You don’t even have human feelings…”
“If I should get hold of you I’ll crush you like a ant…”
I quickly Photoshopped Delivery Man Ryan’s all-caps text message into a meme and text it back to him…
He wasn’t impressed…
Delivery Man Ryan telling me to go to hellboy, a movie in which the lead character is played by none other than my mask, Ron Pearlman, was the cherry on top of this scam sundae. *chef kisses fingers*
Delivery Man Ryan sent me information for someone in Colorado who I was supposed to send $5,000 to. I looked them up and from what I could tell, figured they were most likely someone else caught in a scam (Scammers often move money around through other innocent victims to make it harder to trace back to them.)
It was very convenient that the California Fire Department Bitcoin QR code that I was to make the payment to was exactly the same as Agent Marks QR code. That would make the payment much easier.
Delivery Man Ryan surprisingly honored my wishes and didn’t text me again, giving me enough time to come up with my next soon-to-be-failed payment…
10 minutes later and the payment was complete!
Delivery Man Ryan wasn’t returning my messages so I text Agent Mark to see if he knew what the holdup was…
Just then Delivery Man Ryan text me back…
“I’ll instruct the thunder to strike you…”
After dozens and dozens of clues that I knew this was a scam Delivery Man Ryan FINALLY caught on. I messaged him several times over the course of the day but it appeared he made good on his word and blocked me.
But what about the others? I text Agent Mark to see if he had blocked me too…
It appeared Agent Mark had called it quits with me as well and was now focused on all the other people he was busily working on, receiving heaps of praises or all his fine work.
I sent a text to my lifelong friend Lawrence to see if he was ready for one last ride with the Arson Boyz…
It really hurt knowing the delivery team would never arrive at my house with my $5 million dollars, but not as much as the pain of seeing Lawrence throw away years of friendship just like that. I like to think that he followed through with the “honor” of burning Agent Marks house to the ground for me, and then disappeared into the smoke with Judy afterwards, never to be seen or heard from again.
And now a friendly reminder; if you find someone or something online that seems too good to be true, it probably is. If a stranger asks you to send them money, gift cards or other financial compensation, they’re probably a scammer. If your bank, government, hospital, local law enforcement, etc. randomly call or message you out of the blue and ask you to verify personal financial information, they’re probably a scammer. There are lots of complex scams out there so PLEASE be smart with the personal information you give out online.
As far as Facebook scams go, In my opinion, there is no reason that a complete stranger would ever need to see who you’re friends with. However, I believe that is the default setting. Here are a few steps you can follow to make your friends list a little more secure. A scammer can’t pretend to be you and scam your friends if they can’t see who your friends are.
Step 1: Navigate to your profile and click on the Friends tab.
Step 2: Click on the ellipsis (three dots).
Step 3: Click on Edit Privacy.
Step 4: Click the button next to Friends List and choose which audience you would like to be able to see who you’re friends with.
If you have any questions on how to tighten up security on your social media accounts to better protect yourself I would be more than happy to help you out. Simply go to the nearest CVS store and get iTunes gift cards for $500 each and send them here without spoiling the codes on the front.
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Brandon Hadley 